You may have done this too, but I woke up this morning with a thought in my mind
The thought was.......the mind is not produced to give you success it is produced to make you think about survival.....to make sure you survive
Hence the 'fear' instinct
- What if i did this and it did not work out
- What if this bad thing happened
- What if it really worked out it might change me from my 'comfort zone'
It is a strange feeling that every morning to wake up and think 'what if I don't achieve my dreams today' and it drives me nuts
I am in a very lucky position because I have lived alone, without anyrelationship whatsoever, since 2001.......after my life saving surgery. So thsi means I can do what I want, when I want, with who I want (if anyone), for as long as I want
What a fantastic position to be in......but I also have an inbuilt computer that says "just stay with what you know" and do you know what I am sick of it
I am sick of doing the same shit day in day out.......even though I ride my motorbike, make films, take photographs, tell stories and live the life most people dream of it is not all sunshine and rainbows
You may have had similar thoughts, in fact I am sure you have
Well, sports fans.......it is time to change what I have been doing and follow that feeling, to follow that gut feeling that makes me feel sick with anxiety (or is it excitement)
I cannot drive tipper trucks until my days end as I might as well find a high bridge and try to fly now !
I cannot keep doing the same shit every day - wake up, inject insulin, breakfast, wash, change bag, brush teeth, dress, check internet for remarks from people I have never met, do my days work, return home, inject insulin, dinner of something that hopefully wont make me fatter, check internet, watch TV, go to bed, inject night time insulin and watch TV on iPad, sleep and ...................................fucking repeat........................DIE !
That is not for me - I may be nuts, I may be losing my mind, but if I die at the same age of my father at 76.......that means I have 18 years left, or 6570 days. now let us be clear of those 18 years 11 of them are after I am 65, so older, less mobile, less fit (if that is possible) and then...............
How the hell do I make a living ....... but more importantly nobody comes to visit me now, so alone, sitting dribbling, smelling of urine waiting in gods waiting room
Time is running out fass, faster than an out of control fecking steam train that is thundering downhill getting faster and faster with no brakes
I need to change and I need to take control because I am scared to my wits end that I am already dead, I just don't know it !!